1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,418 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,390 {\an8}♪ The Monster Mash ♪ 14 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,559 {\an8}♪ And do my graveyard smash ♪ 15 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,145 {\an8}MARTY: Doing the "Monster Mash" with you 16 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,231 {\an8}on this beautiful Valentine's Day. 17 00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,024 {\an8}BILL: Marty, why did you play that song today? 18 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,068 {\an8}There must be thousands of love songs. 19 00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:52,779 {\an8}MARTY: Well, it's-it's kind of a love song. 20 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,156 {\an8}All the monsters enjoying each other's company, 21 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,282 {\an8}you know, dancing. 22 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,909 {\an8}Holding their evil in check. 23 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,203 {\an8}BILL: You played the wrong record, didn't you? 24 00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,247 {\an8}MARTY: Why are you doing this to me? 25 00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:08,086 {\an8}Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday 26 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,463 {\an8}cooked up to sell cards. 27 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:14,467 {\an8}Oh, a Valentine from my granddaughter. 28 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,803 {\an8}Could I have the envelope? 29 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:20,890 {\an8}"To Moe, from your secret admirer." 30 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,684 {\an8}Yoo-hoo! 31 00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,102 {\an8}Oh, God, no. 32 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,728 {\an8}(kisses, belches) 33 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,565 {\an8}And this is for my huggy bug 34 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,692 {\an8}in honor of this special day. 35 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,026 {\an8}(thinking) Special day? 36 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,528 {\an8}Oh, what have I forgotten now? 37 00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,780 {\an8}Now don't panic. Is it bacon day? 38 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,657 {\an8}No, that's crazy talk. 39 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,242 {\an8}She's getting impatient. 40 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,577 {\an8}Take a stab at it. 41 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,413 {\an8}Happy Valentine's Day. 42 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,081 {\an8}Oh, thank you, dear. 43 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,791 {\an8}Woo-hoo! 44 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,252 {\an8}I'll bet you have a lot of things planned, eh, Dad? 45 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,212 Uh, kind of. 46 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:55,216 Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's Day. 47 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,719 ♪ If you think I'm cuddly ♪ 48 00:02:57,802 --> 00:03:00,180 ♪ And you want my company ♪ 49 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,432 ♪ Come on, wifey, let me know ♪ 50 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:06,102 ♪ Ow, ow, ow, oww! ♪ 51 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,813 Hey, Dad, why don't you give Mom her present? 52 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,566 What a nice idea, son. 53 00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902 It's, uh... 54 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,654 upstairs on the second floor of our house. 55 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,032 I'll just go get it. 56 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,241 (footsteps) 57 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,743 (door slams) 58 00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,203 (footsteps) 59 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,913 (Homer grunting and groaning) 60 00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:26,915 (screaming) 61 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,668 Apu, you got to help me. 62 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,545 I need a Valentine's gift for my wife. 63 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,006 Perhaps this might be appropriate. 64 00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:38,009 Yes! You saved my life. How much? 65 00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,135 $100. 66 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,637 What? That's highway robbery. 67 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:41,763 I won't pay it. 68 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,348 Oh, I think you will. 69 00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,350 Forget it, pal. 70 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,310 (humming) 71 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,608 All right! But I'll never shop here again. 72 00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,486 (thinking) If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, 73 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,987 all is lost. 74 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,990 -Nickel off on expired baby food. -Sold! 75 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,910 Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines? 76 00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:05,495 Not just yet, Janey. 77 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,914 First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes 78 00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,582 to store the valentines. 79 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,542 Isn't that pointless busywork? 80 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,294 Bull's-eye! Get cracking. 81 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,255 Yes, Ralph? 82 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,298 My parents won't let me use scissors. 83 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:18,841 (children giggling) 84 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,094 The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. 85 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,179 These things couldn't cut butter. 86 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,598 Now take out your red crayons. 87 00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,808 Miss Hoover? 88 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:27,976 Yes, Ralph? 89 00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:30,311 I don't have a red crayon. 90 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,981 -Why not? -I ate it. 91 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,318 Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. 92 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,779 Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, 93 00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,364 has been circulating candy hearts 94 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,574 featuring crude, off-color sentiments. 95 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,659 Well, let me tell you something. 96 00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:47,495 Valentine's Day is no joke. 97 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,214 Sending your chick a valentine, huh? 98 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,841 Yep. 99 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,802 (gunfire and screaming) 100 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:04,804 Johnny. 101 00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,097 Johnny! 102 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,433 Johnny!! 103 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:11,436 Cool. I broke his brain. 104 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:12,687 All right, children. 105 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,106 You may now exchange valentines. 106 00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,109 Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder. 107 00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:20,153 (chuckling) 108 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,207 (sniffling) 109 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,209 (sobbing) 110 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,878 Poor Ralph. 111 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,756 Here you go, Ralph. 112 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:40,715 (gasps) 113 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,136 You choo-choo-choose me? 114 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,013 Happy Valentine's. 115 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,225 (sighing) 116 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,229 All right, special holiday meal. 117 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,650 Where do you want these beef hearts? 118 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,277 On the floor. 119 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,528 It doesn't look very clean. 120 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,405 Just do your job, heart-boy. 121 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,284 (creaking) 122 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:11,579 (heart beats) 123 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,627 (moaning) 124 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,295 Bart, what's wrong? 125 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,963 My baboon heart. 126 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,465 Body... 127 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:23,883 rejecting it. 128 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,928 (screaming) 129 00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,054 Mm-hmm. 130 00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:29,263 (school bell rings) 131 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:37,355 Can I walk you home... valentine? 132 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:38,940 Sure, I guess. 133 00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:42,151 That valentine sure was funny. 134 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,070 (chuckles) Glad you liked it. 135 00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:48,074 It says, "Choo-choo-choose me." 136 00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,952 And there's a picture of a train. 137 00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,954 Yeah, nice gag. 138 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:57,083 Uh, so... 139 00:06:57,166 --> 00:07:00,586 do you like... stuff? 140 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,758 The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds 141 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,302 if I kept my finger out of there. 142 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,930 (nervous chuckle) Well, here's my house. 143 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,894 {\an8}♪ ...and fight, The Itchy & Scratchy show ♪ 144 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,303 Hey, kids, don't forget to watch my 29th anniversary show 145 00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:53,723 featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel 146 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,600 whacked out on wowee sauce. 147 00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:59,270 (drunkenly) Everyone's always kissing your ass. 148 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:02,607 Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, 149 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:03,983 you're a (bleep). 150 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:07,153 Oh, I'd give anything to go to that show. 151 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,280 I'd sell my first-born son. 152 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,574 -Hey! -You'll do as you're told. 153 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,284 Ralph thinks I like him, 154 00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,702 but I only gave him a valentine 155 00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,787 'cause I felt sorry for him. 156 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,206 Ah, sweet pity. 157 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,291 Where would my love life have been without it? 158 00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,667 What do you say to a boy 159 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,127 to let him know you're not interested? 160 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,670 Well, honey-- 161 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,048 Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all. 162 00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,758 "I like you as a friend." 163 00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:30,551 "I think we should see other people. 164 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,011 "I no speak English." 165 00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:33,095 I get the idea. 166 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,305 "I'm married to the sea." 167 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,349 "I don't want to kill you, but I will." 168 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:39,602 Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, 169 00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:42,438 but you're not ready for this kind of thing. 170 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,523 Thanks, Mom. 171 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,107 And if that doesn't work, 172 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,150 six simple words: 173 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,778 "I'm not gay, but I'll learn." 174 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:52,073 Ralph, I think you're nice, but I'm just not ready 175 00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:53,157 for this kind of thing. 176 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,534 Do you understand? 177 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:55,826 I guess so. 178 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,411 Good. 179 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,668 Dad, how do you get a girl to like you? 180 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,046 Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, 181 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,839 the key is persistence. 182 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,801 Keep at it, and never lose your cool. 183 00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:14,303 (grunts) 184 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,347 Ah, come on, you stupid... 185 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,726 Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts. 186 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,271 Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent. 187 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,230 Is that how you got Mom? 188 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,440 Well, son, 189 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:30,027 never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform. 190 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,904 Oh, yeah! 191 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,282 (Wiggum chewing) 192 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,242 Oh. Mmm. Oh, yeah. 193 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,000 Hey, boys and girls, only four days 194 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,543 till my anniversary show. 195 00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:48,087 29 years, and when I came on, 196 00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,547 they said I wouldn't last a week. 197 00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:51,424 And you know where those reviewers are? 198 00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:53,259 All dead. 199 00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,554 How you doing down there, fellas? Huh? Huh? 200 00:09:56,637 --> 00:09:58,139 Anyway, here's a clip. 201 00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:03,311 Now why do they call this a urine monkey? 202 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:06,022 Oh... I just found out. 203 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,941 That's funny for so many reasons. 204 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,359 We have to go to that show. 205 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,445 Forget it. To get those tickets, 206 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,613 our parents would have to be part 207 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,489 of Springfield's cultural elite. 208 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,199 Can you believe Flanders 209 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,535 threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? 210 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,331 Ew. 211 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,498 (doorbell ringing) 212 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,210 Oh, no, it's Ralph. 213 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,630 Just make up some excuse. 214 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,632 She's in the can. Go away. 215 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,674 Yes, sir. 216 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,301 I'd do anything for Lisa. 217 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,887 Really? 218 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:44,393 Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy. 219 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,896 Yeah, they'll do that. 220 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,359 "Dearest Martha, since boyhood 221 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,486 "I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill, 222 00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:57,114 "and with your help, this, I shall achieve. 223 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,116 Sincerely, George Washington." 224 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,576 (class applauds) 225 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,286 Thank you, Rex. 226 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,749 I've selected the cast for our Presidents' Day pageant. 227 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,959 Martha Washington will be played by... 228 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,920 -Lisa Simpson. -(giggles) 229 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,339 HOOVER: George Washington will be played by... 230 00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:14,548 (clears throat) 231 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,008 -Ralph Wiggum. -(gasps) 232 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,051 Hmm. 233 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,387 What? This is a travesty. 234 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,430 Everyone knows I'm the best actor 235 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,765 in this ridiculous school. 236 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,101 -Sit down, Rex. -I will not sit down. 237 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,269 Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow. 238 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,729 That's absurd, Rex. 239 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,524 Ralph won the part fair and square. 240 00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,109 That's the signal. 241 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,486 Take the boot off the car, boys. 242 00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,571 (chuckling) 243 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,740 Now Ralph is in the play with me. 244 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,534 I just know he's going to embarrass me 245 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,577 in front of the whole school. 246 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,578 (knocking) 247 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,746 Huh? 248 00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,918 Oh, no, it's a package from Ralph. 249 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,424 Oh, a Malibu Stacy convertible. 250 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,217 "Look in the tunk." 251 00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,677 He must mean "trunk." 252 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,974 (gasps) Tickets to the Krusty anniversary show! 253 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:08,144 Oh, he must want me to go with him. 254 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,854 Oh, it isn't fair. 255 00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,273 I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. 256 00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:15,651 I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test. 257 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,612 I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him. 258 00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,072 You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. 259 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,282 It wouldn't be honest. 260 00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,325 I'll go, disguised as you. 261 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,244 What if he wants to hold hands? 262 00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,954 I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. 263 00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:28,497 What if he wants a kiss? 264 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,540 I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. 265 00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:30,666 What if he-- 266 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,334 You don't want to know how far I'll go. 267 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,962 Dad, is it right 268 00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,714 to take things from people you don't like? 269 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,924 Sure it is, honey. 270 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,093 You do mean stealing, don't you? 271 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,512 {\an8}Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, 272 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,347 but my conscience is bothering me. 273 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,849 Your conscience? 274 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,518 Lisa, don't let that pushy, little weenie 275 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,936 tell you what to do. 276 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,230 Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. 277 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,440 Oh, shut up. 278 00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,233 Yes, sir. 279 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,739 I am so glad you cho-cho-choose to come. 280 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:04,700 Heh. I think you should give that a rest, Ralph. 281 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,994 Chief Wiggum, how did you ever get these tickets? 282 00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,788 Krusty knows how to play ball. 283 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,212 Ah... nothing beats a good porno movie. 284 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,756 Chief Wiggum, is this a bust? 285 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:20,049 Uh, yeah. 286 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,510 That's just what it is, a bust. 287 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,553 That story isn't suitable for children. 288 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,473 Really? I keep my pants on in this version. 289 00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,475 Ew. 290 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:30,684 ANNOUNCER: It's the Krusty the Clown 291 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,436 29th Anniversary Show! 292 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,771 Hey! 293 00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:36,690 (applause and cheering) 294 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,150 Thank you. Thank you. 295 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,277 Hey, Mr. President. 296 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,570 I campaigned for the other guy, 297 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,280 but I voted for you. 298 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,241 (goofy laughter) 299 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,244 You know, I started this show so long ago, 300 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:52,122 the ayatollah only had a goatee. Ha ha! 301 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,374 (buzzer sounds) 302 00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:56,585 What's the matter, 303 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,587 don't you people read the papers? 304 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,923 Ah, let's look at some clips. 305 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,927 {\an8}"He will not see me stopping here 306 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,596 {\an8}to watch his woods fill up with snow..." 307 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,559 {\an8}Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? Bwah! 308 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,563 {\an8}We discussed this, and I said no. 309 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,898 (applause) 310 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,234 Now, here's a clip from 1973. 311 00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:23,779 ♪ Try to run, try to hide ♪ 312 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,532 ♪ Break on through to the other side ♪ 313 00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:29,910 ♪ Yeah ♪ 314 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:31,036 Ah! 315 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,371 What was I on? 316 00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:35,624 Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? 317 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:36,625 No, thanks. 318 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,168 Send it this way, boy. 319 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,254 -Whoops. -Aw. 320 00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:44,216 Aw... nothing gets chocolate out. See? 321 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,553 I've worked with some marvelous second bananas over the years, 322 00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:51,056 but none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem. 323 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:55,185 Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this. 324 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,770 I wouldn't. 325 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,272 Right on. 326 00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,025 (queasy groan) 327 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:03,611 (applause) 328 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,113 Angry, angry young man. 329 00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,782 Now for my favorite part of the show. 330 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,910 What's that say? 331 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,786 "Talk to the audience?" 332 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,164 Oh, God, this is always death. 333 00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,457 All right. 334 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,918 Oh, no, please don't show me with Ralph. 335 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,794 What's your name, son? 336 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:23,088 -Ralph. -(Lisa whimpers) 337 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,299 And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? 338 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,927 Yes, I love Lisa Simpson. 339 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,054 And when I grow up, I'm going to marry her. 340 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,640 No! 341 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,891 Now you listen to me. 342 00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:36,477 I don't like you. I never liked you. 343 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,520 And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine 344 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,606 was because nobody else would! 345 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,858 Watch this, Lis. You can actually 346 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,194 pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. 347 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,322 And... now. 348 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,742 (groans) 349 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,836 At least you guys are my friends. 350 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:05,965 (quacking) 351 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,549 (sighing) 352 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,468 Son, I know just how you feel. 353 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,346 You've got a great little girl, and the world's your oyster. 354 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,807 No, Dad, she made a fool out of me. 355 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,185 Hey, come to think of it, she did. 356 00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,521 Well, she didn't reckon 357 00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:23,482 with the awesome power of the chief of police. 358 00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,485 Now, where did I put my badge? 359 00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,946 Hey! That duck's got it. 360 00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,614 Oh, come on, come on, give it back. 361 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,491 I need it. 362 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:33,993 Ah, keep it. 363 00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,080 (police siren) 364 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,499 Something wrong, officer? 365 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,543 Yeah, got a taillight out. 366 00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,211 Where? 367 00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,671 Right there. 368 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,632 You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up 369 00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,384 to you crooked cops. 370 00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,969 They are? Oh, no. 371 00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,762 Have they set a date? 372 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,021 This orange drink is the only way 373 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:05,065 to recoup our terrible losses from "Fire Drill Follies." 374 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,900 I just don't know what went wrong. 375 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,736 You opened the show with a fire drill, 376 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:10,988 and everyone cleared out. 377 00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,032 Hmm. So mother was right. 378 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,200 It was my fault. 379 00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,661 Go ahead, water it down some more. 380 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:21,707 My God, man, I've watered her down as far as she'll go. 381 00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,710 I cannot water no more. 382 00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:26,295 Good evening, everyone, and welcome 383 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,130 to a wonderful evening of theater 384 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:32,259 and picking up after yourselves. 385 00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:36,013 We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known presidents. 386 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:39,183 ("Hail to the Chief" playing) 387 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:43,187 ♪ We are the mediocre presidents ♪ 388 00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:46,607 ♪ You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents ♪ 389 00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,317 ♪ There's Taylor, there's Tyler ♪ 390 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,985 ♪ There's Fillmore and there's Hayes ♪ 391 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,695 ♪ There's William Henry Harrison ♪ 392 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,363 ♪ I died in 30 days ♪ 393 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:58,410 ♪ We are the adequate, forgettable ♪ 394 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:01,538 ♪ Occasionally regrettable ♪ 395 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,582 ♪ Caretaker presidents ♪ 396 00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:09,004 ♪ Of the U.S.A. ♪ 397 00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:17,930 Hey girls, check out this president. 398 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,182 (imitating Nixon) I am not a butt. 399 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,184 (screaming) 400 00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,228 Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, 401 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:25,687 or do you want to act like a maniac? 402 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:26,688 I'll be good. 403 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,820 Ralph, I'm sorry I-- 404 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:33,987 Leave me alone. 405 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,156 I'm here to play George Washington. 406 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,075 Uh... Ralph? 407 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:43,664 Miss Hoover, this beard's giving me a rash. 408 00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:46,166 Milhouse, you have one line and then you're shot. 409 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,334 Now get out there. 410 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:52,005 I thought that Civil War would never end. 411 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,966 Now to soothe my head 412 00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,802 with an evening at Ford's Theater. 413 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,638 Oh, no, John Wilkes Booth! 414 00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:01,932 Hasta la vista, Abie. 415 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:05,477 (Milhouse grunting, Bart imitating gunshots) 416 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,521 Come on boy, finish him off. 417 00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:08,939 (screaming) 418 00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:11,525 You're next, Chester A. Arthur. 419 00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,362 Unhand me, yankee. 420 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,698 And now our evening comes to an end. 421 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:18,699 Woo-hoo! 422 00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,325 With a thorough re-telling 423 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,244 of the life of George Washington. 424 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,579 HOMER: D'oh! 425 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,459 Dear, dear George Washington. 426 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:33,005 Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed? 427 00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,675 Well, can it? 428 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,974 Dear madam, would you put a price 429 00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,642 on the air we breathe, 430 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,978 or the providence that sustains us? 431 00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:50,647 But couldn't we just give in to the British? 432 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,274 Never! 433 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,067 (cheering, applause) 434 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,321 That boy is magnificent. 435 00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:00,574 He makes me want to learn more about our founding fathers. 436 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:02,242 To the library. 437 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,869 Yeah! 438 00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:07,581 Dear Martha, I fear my time is at hand. 439 00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:10,626 Oh, George. 440 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,878 Your broth, Mr. President. 441 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,339 I asked for no broth. 442 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:18,759 Away with you, lest my cane find your backside. 443 00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:19,927 Hmm, yes. 444 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,013 (sobbing) 445 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,349 Please don't leave me, George. 446 00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:28,685 Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure 447 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,188 with me to the next life, 448 00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,774 it would be your tender kiss. 449 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,653 Mmm... 450 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,863 Now that's a man. 451 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:49,498 I did not cry when me own father 452 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,708 was hung for stealing a pig, 453 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:55,545 but I'll cry now. (sobbing) 454 00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:03,303 ♪ From sea to ♪ 455 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:07,808 ♪ Shining sea ♪ 456 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,059 Thanks for coming. 457 00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:11,228 And don't forget to purchase some orange drink 458 00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:14,773 for the long ride home. 459 00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:17,484 Ralph! Ralph! You were so good! 460 00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,486 Ralph! 461 00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:20,862 Lisa. 462 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,197 Hi, Ralph. 463 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,949 You were great tonight. 464 00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,284 Aw, thanks. 465 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,369 I've got something for you. 466 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,289 "Let's bee friends!" 467 00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:31,498 It says "Bee," 468 00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,667 and there's a picture of a bee on it. 469 00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,460 (both chuckle) 470 00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,254 I thought you'd like it. 471 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:41,508 Oh, look at that. 472 00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:42,926 Attention, all units. 473 00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:45,345 -Riot in progress at-- -Not tonight. 474 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,389 BILL: Hey, hey! Bill and Marty here wrapping up 475 00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:49,516 a beautiful President's Day. 476 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,810 MARTY: To George and Abe and all the rest, 477 00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,104 here's a special song just for you. 478 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:57,524 ♪ I was working in the lab late one night ♪ 479 00:21:57,607 --> 00:21:58,859 MARTY: Doggone it! 480 00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:00,736 ♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪ 481 00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:04,406 ♪ For my monster from his slab began to rise ♪ 482 00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:07,534 ♪ And suddenly to my surprise ♪ 483 00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:09,202 {\an8}♪ He did the mash ♪ 484 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,996 {\an8}♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪ 485 00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:12,331 {\an8}♪ The Monster Mash ♪ 486 00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:14,333 {\an8}♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪ 487 00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,001 {\an8}♪ He did the mash ♪ 488 00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,003 {\an8}♪ It caught on in a flash ♪ 489 00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:19,504 {\an8}♪ He did the mash ♪ 490 00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:22,007 {\an8}♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪ 491 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,551 {\an8}♪ From my laboratory in the castle east ♪ 492 00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,221 {\an8}♪ To the master bedroom where the vampires feast ♪ 493 00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:32,225 {\an8}♪ The ghouls all came from their humble abodes ♪ 494 00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,519 {\an8}♪ To catch a jolt from my electrodes ♪ 495 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:36,355 {\an8}♪ They did the mash ♪ 496 00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:38,357 {\an8}♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪ 497 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,983 {\an8}♪ The Monster Mash ♪ 498 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,568 {\an8}♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪ 499 00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,028 {\an8}♪ They did the mash ♪ 500 00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:44,821 {\an8}♪ It caught on in a flash ♪ 501 00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:46,531 {\an8}♪ They did the mash ♪ 502 00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:48,784 {\an8}♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪ 503 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:52,245 {\an8}♪ The zombies were having fun ♪ 504 00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:56,583 {\an8}♪ The party had just begun ♪ 505 00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,210 Shh! 506 00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,507 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.