1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,131 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,219 (bell ringing) 3 00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:12,971 (tires screech) 4 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,598 D'oh! 5 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,059 -Ahh! -(tires screech) 6 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,744 ANNOUNCER: We now return to the 1971 film 7 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,162 "Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie 8 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:38,830 and the Great Frisco Freak-out," 9 00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:39,831 starring Troy McClure. 10 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:47,338 Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, 11 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,549 then what happened to the bag with our stash? 12 00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,260 There's more than one way to get high, baby. 13 00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:54,095 Whoa! 14 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,269 -Ooh. -Mmm... 15 00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:02,604 Please, Marge. 16 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,272 How often can I see a movie of this caliber 17 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:05,523 on late-night TV? 18 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,317 Is there something wrong, Homie? 19 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,611 No. It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before 20 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:12,363 and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye-- 21 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:14,115 What I meant to say is... 22 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,534 we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie, I promise. 23 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,541 Ohh! 24 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,835 Enchiladas! 25 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:26,920 (groaning) 26 00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:34,844 Mom! Dad! 27 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,013 BOTH: Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! 28 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,723 There's a U.F.O. outside my window. 29 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,266 Seriously. 30 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,935 Oh, Bart. 31 00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:43,478 It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree. 32 00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:44,813 (yelps) 33 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:47,857 C-Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? 34 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,150 No. 35 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,069 Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat 36 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,403 -in case the U.F.O. does come? -Yes, yes, yes. That's fine. 37 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:53,988 Good, good. 38 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,533 Mmm... 39 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:59,494 I hope you kept the Homie fires burning. 40 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:01,830 -(snoring) -Homer! 41 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,081 Huh? 42 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,666 -Homer, wake up. Wake up. -What? 43 00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:07,460 We need to talk about the marital difficulties 44 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,420 we've been having lately. 45 00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,339 Marge, there's just too much pressure 46 00:02:11,422 --> 00:02:14,050 what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, 47 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,677 political strife at home and abroad. 48 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,139 But I promise you, the second all those things go away, 49 00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:21,516 we'll have sex. 50 00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,226 I simply can't wait that long. 51 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,686 Maybe we should get some help. 52 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:25,895 How about a book? 53 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,898 -Ooh, okay. -A tasteful book. 54 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,567 Oh, all right. 55 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,069 (clattering) 56 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,988 (yells) 57 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,448 (doorbell rings) 58 00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,876 Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu. 59 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,252 Shh. I don't want people to see us 60 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,004 looking at these books. 61 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,798 Hi, guys. What you looking at? 62 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:57,635 Uh... I'm just reading up on artillery. 63 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,596 Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in-- (screams) 64 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:02,724 This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. 65 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:05,602 It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey. 66 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,770 You know that nice midwestern man on the radio 67 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,355 who's like a pleasant version of Grampa? 68 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:13,484 Ooh. "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American." 69 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:14,777 Mom, Dad. 70 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,362 Look! This biography of Peter Ueberroth 71 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,572 is only 99 cents. 72 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,449 And I found the new Al Gore book. 73 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,535 MARGE: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow." 74 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,329 Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book 75 00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:26,789 "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future." 76 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,333 I'm getting this book on U.F.O.'s. 77 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:30,168 Did you know they're real? 78 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,753 But there's a huge government conspiracy 79 00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,004 to cover it up. 80 00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,548 Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy. 81 00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:56,778 Mr. Vice President 82 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,988 someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. 83 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,824 Well, this calls for a celebration. 84 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:06,162 ♪ Celebrate good times, come on ♪ 85 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,372 I will. 86 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,624 ♪ Let's celebrate... ♪ 87 00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:12,126 PAUL HARVEY: Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here. 88 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,837 Did you know every good American 89 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,756 is at heart an erotic American? 90 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,341 It's true. 91 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:20,260 A famous couple-- 92 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,594 I don't need to tell you 93 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,846 it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower-- 94 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,723 offered this advice: 95 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:29,102 "Double your pleasure with a bath... together." 96 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,524 Homie, I can't quite-- 97 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:35,984 (grunting) 98 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,695 The faucet's jammed into my back. 99 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,405 I'm stuck. 100 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:41,864 So am I. 101 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,032 (straining) 102 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,455 BOTH: Kids? 103 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,833 Kids? 104 00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,501 PAUL HARVEY: A romantic vacation 105 00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:55,670 can provide titillation. 106 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:58,256 Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you 107 00:04:58,339 --> 00:05:02,093 at any of America's fine AAA-approved motor lodges. 108 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,142 The Arabian Nights Room looks nice. 109 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,268 HOMER: The Pharaoh's Chamber 110 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,270 has a vibrating sarcophagus. 111 00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,063 Sorry there, Fred and Ethel. 112 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,732 You should have made a reservation. 113 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,234 We only got one room left. 114 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,070 The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room. 115 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,076 Oh, here we are. 116 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,662 The "utility room." 117 00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,541 This isn't very erotic. 118 00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,376 I think it's an actual utility room. 119 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,504 No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy. 120 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,841 I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... 121 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:44,177 the janitor's wife 122 00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,721 who has to live with me in the utility room. 123 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,477 Don't mind me, folks. 124 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,354 Just need to get the ol' wet-dry vac. 125 00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,360 PAUL HARVEY: By now your new, improved love life 126 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:03,446 should have you flinging woo like nobody's business. 127 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:06,532 So, to you, Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American 128 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,951 I bid... good day. 129 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,419 Welcome home, son. 130 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:19,837 I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. 131 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,255 What's wrong with your wife? 132 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,007 Never mind. You wouldn't understand. 133 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:24,092 -Flu? -No. 134 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,843 -Protein deficiency? -No. 135 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,846 Pneumonoultramicroscopic silicovolcanoconiosis? 136 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:29,847 No. 137 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,766 Unsatisfying sex life? 138 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:35,520 Yes, but please, don't you say that word. 139 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:38,106 What? Sex! 140 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,816 What's so unappealing 141 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:42,860 about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? 142 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,154 I had sex. 143 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,489 (groaning) 144 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,703 You're home safe. Done my duty. 145 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,122 See you the next time we need your signature. 146 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,499 Aw, you never want to spend any time with me. 147 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,544 But I can help you with your loving problem. 148 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,129 I got a home remedy 149 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:04,006 that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers. 150 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,551 (humming) 151 00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,595 Legend has it 152 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,265 my great Grampappy stumbled upon this recipe 153 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:14,851 when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute 154 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,102 for holy water. 155 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:21,983 Here you g-- 156 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,109 Hey! 157 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,529 Here you go, you ingrate. 158 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:31,242 Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life. 159 00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:32,410 Drink it. 160 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,874 Mmm. 161 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,876 (tires screech) 162 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,421 -Ohh... -(gasps) 163 00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,214 Kids, here's $50. Why not go to the movies 164 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,008 then take a cab to your aunt's house. 165 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:49,302 Stay there. Phone call you later. Now now now. 166 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:50,970 Whoa! Homie, what's-- 167 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,181 Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards. 168 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,060 (train whistle blows) 169 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,775 What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now? 170 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,818 I don't know. 171 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,116 (whistling) 172 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:15,995 (clearing throat) 173 00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,121 Here he is. 174 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,498 Rex Harrison and Paul Anka 175 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,624 rolled into one. 176 00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,585 Ooh... 177 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,212 That tonic really works. 178 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,630 You and Grampa should bottle it 179 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,256 and go into business together. 180 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,967 You want me to spend more time with Dad? 181 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,636 What about my new year's resolution? 182 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,513 You can make a lot of money. 183 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,806 Yeah! Where are my pants? 184 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:36,849 You threw them out the window 185 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,476 in a fit of passion. 186 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,852 You said you were never going to need them again. 187 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,396 Oh, hurry, Neddie, they're awful. 188 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,941 You just be ready with that garbage bag. 189 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,320 Ooh, mama! 190 00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:51,572 This is finally really happening. 191 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,157 After years of disappointment 192 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,909 with "get rich quick" schemes, 193 00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:58,079 I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme... and quick. 194 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,834 Sir. Uh, hello, sir. 195 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,629 Yes. You look like a man who needs help 196 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:07,922 satisfying his wife, so-- 197 00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,549 Ow! Oh... 198 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,841 I guess people have some sort 199 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,802 of moral objection to our sex drug. 200 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,929 Let me sell it, you idiot! 201 00:09:15,012 --> 00:09:16,681 (inhales deeply) 202 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,307 Step right up, folks 203 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,434 and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle 204 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:24,855 of Simpson and Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic! 205 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,233 Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing 206 00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:29,151 moisturizing, tantalizing, 207 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:32,488 romanticizing, surprising her-prizing, 208 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,907 revitalizing tonic. 209 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,242 (wheezes) 210 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,828 (cheering) 211 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:39,954 (clears throat) 212 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:41,747 I doubt very highly 213 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,250 that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties. 214 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:47,003 (gulping) 215 00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,504 What say we am-scray out of here 216 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,924 and have a wild wing-ding at the cyclotron, doctor? 217 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,844 Anything you say, professor. Whoa! 218 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,807 Ah, tonight we'll push the twin beds together. 219 00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,392 And I found something for Milhouse 220 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,893 down at the mall too. 221 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:03,894 A pup tent. 222 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,104 Oh, boy. 223 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,981 Now I can sleep out in the yard. 224 00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:08,774 Yeah! Every single night. 225 00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,487 I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect 226 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,407 people feel is actually a mild form of poisoning-- 227 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,409 No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions 228 00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,536 in Grampa Simpson's bathtub. 229 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,121 Nonetheless... 230 00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:23,456 (gulping) 231 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,377 (chuckling) 232 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:32,923 What's going on? 233 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,258 Where are all the grown-ups? 234 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,718 Who cares? 235 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,304 With no adults around, I run this city. 236 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,475 Uh... carry on. 237 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:44,685 Listen to this. 238 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,604 "Unexplainable behavior-- 239 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,773 "individuals acting in a secretive fashion 240 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,609 "are often involved with U.F.O.'s 241 00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,611 "or other paranormal phenomena, 242 00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,905 e.g., telephone explosions." 243 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,450 Jeez, if it's in a book, it's got to be true. 244 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:00,826 Scary, no? 245 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,370 And this guy's 246 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,788 head of the Spaceology Department 247 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,540 at the Correspondence College of Tampa! 248 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,292 Will you cook my dinner for me? 249 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,044 My parents aren't around 250 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,421 and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove. 251 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,633 Hurry up! 252 00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,094 We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit. 253 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:21,555 Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... 254 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,600 Great. I'm gonna be stuck in a car all weekend 255 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,560 with that wheezy windbag. 256 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,355 ...and that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. 257 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,190 Now, as for your generation... 258 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,817 (Homer sighs) 259 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,403 And for the minimal outlay of one dollar 260 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,280 you can take home a bottle of liquid lothario. 261 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,824 Distilled Don Juan. 262 00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:42,034 Catalytically carbonated Casanova. 263 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:46,080 Lock old Rover in the shed 'cause man has a new best friend 264 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,166 in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic. 265 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,584 I'm not convinced! 266 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,586 I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs. 267 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,547 All questions will be answered. 268 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,215 All fears will be allayed 269 00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:59,009 with one incontrovertible demonstration. 270 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,846 May I have a volunteer from the audience? 271 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:04,056 Yes... you sir! 272 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,016 Now, sir, you've never seen me before 273 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,017 is that correct? 274 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,602 That is correct. 275 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,104 Well, than, how come his face is on the bottle? 276 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,441 Mmm, uh... 277 00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,401 Um... 278 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,946 ♪♪ ("Foggy Mountain Breakdown") 279 00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,531 (yelling) 280 00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:22,408 You're the worst shill I've ever seen. 281 00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:24,410 You're a disgrace to the medicine show business. 282 00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:25,828 They didn't start chasing us 283 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,872 until you turned on that getaway music. 284 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,582 (music stops) 285 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,542 (yelling subsides) 286 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,933 Okay, it's now painfully clear. 287 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,686 The adults are definitely paving the way 288 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,938 for an invasion by the saucer people. 289 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,774 You fool! Can't you see 290 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,525 it's a massive government conspiracy? 291 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,403 Or have they gotten to you too? 292 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:00,613 (yells) 293 00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:01,864 (grunting) 294 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,074 Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! 295 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,786 Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? 296 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,913 Haven't you ever heard of "Ockham's razor"? 297 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,749 "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one." 298 00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,542 So what's the simplest explanation? 299 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,919 I don't know. 300 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,504 Maybe they're all reverse vampires 301 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,631 and they have to get home before dark. 302 00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:20,382 (all screaming) 303 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,967 Reverse vampires! 304 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:25,721 (chattering) 305 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,348 Hey, wait a minute. 306 00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:30,100 That's Amos Pierson's moose farm. 307 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,227 Make a right here. 308 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,651 Ew... Why are we stopping at this dump? 309 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:42,196 That's the house you grew up in, son. 310 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,281 Wow! 311 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,992 Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. 312 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,869 GRAMPA: Yeah, we lived here 313 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,205 till the bank foreclosed in '63. 314 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,499 Farm went bust after the cows 315 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:56,210 started giving sour milk. 316 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:59,380 Something must have spooked them good. 317 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:01,882 Nyah, stupid cows! 318 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,592 Na-na-na-na-na. 319 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,302 (raspberries) 320 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,804 -Boo! Boo! -(cows mooing) 321 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,978 Oh, memories. 322 00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:17,481 If this old place could talk, it'd say-- 323 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,276 (screaming) 324 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,319 (laughing) 325 00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:25,656 Ow! 326 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:28,075 (groaning) 327 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,118 There she is, 328 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,995 the old Radiation King. 329 00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,913 You'd park yourself right there 330 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:35,708 and watch for hours on end. 331 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:42,006 If I, uh, may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question 332 00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,008 with yet another flip remark. 333 00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:45,384 (reporters chuckling) 334 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:47,511 Wow. 335 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,266 Look at me, er, Mom. 336 00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:54,768 I am, er, President Kennedy. 337 00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,437 Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer 338 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,273 could grow up to be President someday. 339 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:00,858 You, President? 340 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,902 This is the greatest country in the world. 341 00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,946 We've got a whole system set up to keep people like you 342 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,239 from ever becoming President. 343 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,450 Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! 344 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,870 Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! 345 00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:14,371 Dad... 346 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,166 How come you never gave me any encouragement? 347 00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,668 Maybe I could have been something more than I am. 348 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,421 Like a travel agent to a great scientist 349 00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:23,714 or the inventor 350 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,925 of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. 351 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,468 Who are you to complain? 352 00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:28,761 You lock me up in a home 353 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,638 and give me the same damn 354 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,222 shower safety seat every Christmas. 355 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,892 Your whole life you never said 356 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,602 one nice thing to me. 357 00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:38,771 That's 'cause you're a screw-up. 358 00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,439 You're the screw-up! 359 00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,483 Why, you little-- 360 00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,652 (gasping) All right. 361 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,694 All right. That's it. 362 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,154 We're going home. 363 00:15:47,237 --> 00:15:48,822 I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. 364 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,784 If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago 365 00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,203 you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. 366 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,704 You were an accident! 367 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:56,747 (gasping) 368 00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:58,332 (car screeching) 369 00:15:58,415 --> 00:15:59,458 Get out. 370 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,418 I'm sorry I said that. 371 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,670 Out. 372 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,713 I'm going to get out of the car 373 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,924 and I hope you'll find it in your heart 374 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,676 not to drive awa-- 375 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,304 Well, I'll be all right 376 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,599 as long as I can remember my Army training. 377 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:18,936 Dang! 378 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,188 (coyote howls) 379 00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:25,442 (doorbell rings) 380 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:28,278 I'm sorry. 381 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:36,412 Hi. 382 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,747 Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa 383 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,748 for the rest of your life? 384 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,583 Of course not, Marge. 385 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,127 Just for the rest of his life. 386 00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:44,712 He said I was an accident. 387 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:45,838 He didn't want to have me. 388 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,589 You didn't want to have Bart. 389 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,383 I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. 390 00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,427 You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning. 391 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,303 But when I do it, it's cute. 392 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,848 So finally we're all in agreement 393 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,725 about what's going on with the adults. 394 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:58,767 Milhouse. 395 00:16:58,851 --> 00:16:59,893 (clearing throat) 396 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,645 Okay. Here's what we've got. 397 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,898 The Rand Corporation in conjunction with 398 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,984 -the saucer people-- -Thank you. 399 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,320 Under the supervision of the reverse vampires-- 400 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,864 (sighing) 401 00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,241 Are forcing our parents to go to bed early 402 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:17,953 in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! 403 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,415 We're through the looking glass here, people. 404 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:25,252 Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky 405 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,964 nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- put it away, boy-- 406 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,674 situation, 407 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,469 and your daddy has realized something very important. 408 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,805 A father should always make his kids feel wanted. 409 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,182 Starting right now, I promise 410 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:39,558 to spend a lot more time with you 411 00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,936 and give you the attention you deserve. 412 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,521 BART (muffled): I can't breathe. 413 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,610 And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial 414 00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:51,320 from my own flesh and blood-- 415 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:54,448 the son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son, 416 00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,950 my son, Barney! 417 00:17:57,034 --> 00:18:00,120 I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. 418 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,580 (belching) 419 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,499 That medicine seems to be giving your son 420 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:04,917 a lot of gas. 421 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,044 I assure you his belching is the result 422 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,129 of an unrelated alcohol problem. 423 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,507 (groaning) 424 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,426 (crowd mumbling) 425 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,386 Oh... 426 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,806 It just ain't the same without Homer. 427 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,183 He knew how to drive a car. 428 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,648 Son, my dear son. 429 00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:30,025 From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father. 430 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,068 And for starters, 431 00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,611 your old man is gonna 432 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,488 to teach you how to ride 433 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,490 your very first bike. 434 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,828 (grunting) 435 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,456 Dad, number one, 436 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,791 I know how to ride a bike. 437 00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,835 Number two, I already own a bike 438 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,295 and number three, that is a girl's bike. 439 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,172 You're no girl. 440 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:53,632 You're a boy. 441 00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:54,633 A good boy. 442 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:55,968 You can be President. 443 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,220 Scratch that. You will be President! 444 00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,263 LISA: Dad! 445 00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:00,681 I think Lisa 446 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,975 needs another push on her new tire swing. 447 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,228 No, Dad, I want to get down. 448 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,521 This tire is filthy 449 00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,857 and the steel belts are poking me. 450 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,985 -Whee! -No! 451 00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,278 No offense, Homer 452 00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:15,821 but your half-assed underparenting 453 00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:18,657 was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting. 454 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,701 But I'm using my whole ass. 455 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,036 Dad, it's just that too much of your love 456 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,496 can really be... 457 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,331 scary. 458 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,083 (groaning) 459 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,461 Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love. 460 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,422 Now I've got to go somewhere 461 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,465 and do some serious thinking. 462 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,262 I'm sure he meant to say serious drinking. 463 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,805 That's what I assumed. 464 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,228 Here's where it all started to go wrong. 465 00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,147 How am I supposed to be a good Dad 466 00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:51,773 when I never had one myself? 467 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:57,321 Oh, Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning 468 00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,489 when I actually got to meet Santa Claus. 469 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,283 Some father. 470 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,493 Wait a minute. 471 00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,913 Dad? 472 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,208 Oh... this photo is a blessing. 473 00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,168 It eases my pain. 474 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,461 (screaming) 475 00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:23,180 This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble. 476 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,058 You've done all the damage you're gonna do. 477 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,102 Oh, nuts! 478 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,063 (yelling) 479 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:36,068 (both yelling) 480 00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:38,195 -Dad! -Son! 481 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,529 I'm a screw-up. 482 00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,573 I burned down our house. 483 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,158 No, I'm a screw-up. 484 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,369 I burned down our house. 485 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,579 -You know what? -What? 486 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,248 We're both screw-ups. 487 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,083 It doesn't matter. 488 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,293 What matters is you were right 489 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,003 when you told me 490 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,965 I never said anything nice about you. 491 00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:01,593 So... are you gonn say something nice now? 492 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,345 Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead. 493 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,474 Oh, okay, here it goes. 494 00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:11,270 I'm not sorry I had you, son, 495 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:15,023 and I was always proud... 496 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,151 that you weren't a short man. 497 00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,653 Aw, Dad! 498 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,576 What do you say we roll on the grass, son? 499 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,121 I'm with you, Dad. 500 00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:33,667 (grunting and yelling) 501 00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,168 (laughing) 502 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,136 ♪♪ 503 00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:28,930 Shh! 504 00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:34,686 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.