1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,131 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,883 --> 00:00:10,510 (bell rings) 3 00:00:14,472 --> 00:00:15,932 D'oh! 4 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,434 -Ahh! -(tires screech) 5 00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:36,453 (sniffling) 6 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,248 This romance is so full of heartfelt passion. 7 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:44,335 I can really identify with this corn-fed heroine. 8 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,630 Homer, are you awake? This is important. 9 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:48,882 Give me some sign you're awake. 10 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,842 -(belches) -Wake up! 11 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:52,635 Huh? What's wrong? 12 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,138 House run away? Dog's on fire? 13 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,890 Homie, do you think that the romance 14 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,391 has gone out of our lives? 15 00:00:58,475 --> 00:00:59,559 (belches) 16 00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,394 Wake up! 17 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,272 Marge, it's 3:00 a.m., and I worked all day. 18 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:07,025 It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday 19 00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,360 drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. 20 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,530 Hmm? There you are. 21 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,199 Thought you could get away, huh? 22 00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:17,202 Homer, young people learn about love from adults, 23 00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:18,953 and we've been setting a terrible example 24 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,872 for our children and the community in general. 25 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:22,791 I want us to deal with the issues 26 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,542 raised by this book. 27 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:25,668 Hmm. 28 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,632 I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom. 29 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,738 Huh? 30 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,617 (screaming) 31 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,665 (laughing) 32 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,084 How many times can you laugh at that cat 33 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,710 getting hit by the moon? 34 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,337 It's a new episode. 35 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,881 Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows 36 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,758 and it seems new to the trusting eyes 37 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,135 of impressionable youth. 38 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,469 Really? 39 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,429 Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. 40 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,390 Yes, they do, and when was the last time you heard anyone 41 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,725 talk about Ren and Stimpy? 42 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:26,146 Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you, 43 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:28,731 but we've neglected something more important. 44 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,109 It's time to learn about love. 45 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,111 No need, Mom. We already learned in school. 46 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:35,280 NARRATOR: This is Fuzzy Bunny. 47 00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:36,948 About a year ago, 48 00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,992 he noticed his voice was changing. 49 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,785 He had terrible acne 50 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:44,038 and had fur where there was no fur before. 51 00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,541 He also noticed Fluffy Bunny. 52 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,543 Bor-ring. 53 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,086 Fuzzy went to the park, 54 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,714 the ice cream social, the boat show, 55 00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:55,133 and various other wholesome activities. 56 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,135 And they never ruined their fun 57 00:02:57,218 --> 00:03:00,430 by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. 58 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,932 Then came the big day. 59 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,851 Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. 60 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:08,104 That night came the honeymoon. 61 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,731 ALL: Eww! 62 00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,316 She's faking it. 63 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:14,736 I mean romance, not love. 64 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,112 Mom, romance is dead. 65 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,531 It was acquired in a hostile takeover 66 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:19,949 by Hallmark and Disney, 67 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,327 homogenized and sold off piece by piece. 68 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:23,661 That's not true. 69 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,538 Romance is all around us-- 70 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,332 in our neighborhoods... 71 00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:29,500 even at our jobs. 72 00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,926 (moaning) 73 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,512 All you have to do 74 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:44,515 is think about your most cherished memories. 75 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,100 Hmm. 76 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,602 -Moe's Tavern. -Hello, is Al there? 77 00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:49,354 Al? 78 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:50,980 Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic. 79 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,941 Let me check. 80 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:55,360 Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. 81 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:57,612 A Jock Strap? 82 00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:59,656 Is I.P. Freely here? 83 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,574 Hey, is there a Butts here? 84 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,451 Seymour Butts? 85 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,828 Ah, Homer Sexual? 86 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,623 Mike Crotch? Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? 87 00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:11,084 Ah, Hugh Jass? Ivana Tinkle? 88 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,711 I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face 89 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,339 and a big butt, and my butt smells, 90 00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:18,549 and I like to kiss my own butt. 91 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,426 No! No! No! 92 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:24,514 No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is. 93 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:25,556 Hmm. 94 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:26,933 Mmm... 95 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,352 chocolate. 96 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:32,355 Mmm. Invisible cola. 97 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:35,483 Mmm. Forbidden doughnut. 98 00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,110 Mmm. 99 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,611 Sacrilicious. 100 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,281 Mmm. Snouts. 101 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,283 Mmm. Free goo. 102 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,952 Mmm. Something. 103 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:48,538 No. Think about people-- 104 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:52,250 about moments in your life that have been very romantic. 105 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:53,960 Oh, okay. 106 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,587 (crowd cheering) 107 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:59,841 That's not the idea at all. 108 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,801 Hmm. 109 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,762 Okay. Well, this story isn't ideal. 110 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:07,181 I've never told it to you before. 111 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:09,934 I got a very thoughtless birthday present 112 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:12,854 from someone who shall remain nameless. 113 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:15,815 (groans) 114 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,984 So I actually went to the bowling alley 115 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,152 to spite him-- or her. 116 00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:20,486 Hmm. 117 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:27,827 Oh. 118 00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:31,164 I'm awfully sorry. 119 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,583 (French accent) Entirely my fault. 120 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,418 It is nice to meet you... 121 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,088 -Homer. -Oh. No, no. 122 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,090 Homer is my... ball's name. 123 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,092 I'm Marge. 124 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,594 (chuckling) 125 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,433 Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. 126 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,561 They're far too tapered for the ball you're using. 127 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:56,606 You need something lighter, more delicate. 128 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:57,982 Here, use my ball. 129 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,776 No. No, thank you, 130 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,694 mister, um... Brunswick. 131 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,112 Call me Jacques. 132 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,155 Jacques. 133 00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:05,740 Marge. 134 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:06,991 Hmm. 135 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,951 May I ask you a bold question? 136 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:09,994 Sure. 137 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,412 You've never bowled before? 138 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:12,455 -Never. -No. 139 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,916 -No. -Then I will teach you. 140 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,376 Oh, I don't want to trouble you. 141 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,294 Not at all. I am a professional. 142 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,255 Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form. 143 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:24,092 All right, but I'm not very good. 144 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:28,638 I can hit that one pin all right, 145 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,932 but the rest of them don't even wobble. 146 00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:32,683 I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. 147 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,936 Pick up Homer. Pick him up. 148 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,188 (squeals) 149 00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:39,482 -Now, throw. -But-- 150 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,025 Throw, damn you. 151 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:48,157 You're a very good teacher. 152 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,284 (humming) Here we are. 153 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,245 You didn't have to drop me off. 154 00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,663 But I wanted to. 155 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:56,499 Marge, do you know how beautiful you look 156 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,126 in the moonlight? 157 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,461 Oh, Jacques, I'm a married woman. 158 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,088 I know, I know. 159 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:04,424 My mind says stop, but my heart 160 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:06,676 and my hips cry, "proceed!" 161 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,136 (groaning) 162 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,471 Marge, darling, I want to see you tomorrow. 163 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,014 Meet me tomorrow for brunch. 164 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,016 -What's brunch? -You'd love it. 165 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,269 It's not quite breakfast. It's not quite lunch. 166 00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,896 But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. 167 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,774 You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, 168 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,401 but you get a good meal. 169 00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:25,736 MARGE: He seemed to know a lot about brunch. 170 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,406 But it turned out he wasn't interested in brunch at all. 171 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:29,699 (laughing) 172 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,868 Your laughter is like music to me. 173 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,370 But if you laugh at what I say next, I will die. 174 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,206 For I am about to say something very serious, 175 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,374 perhaps shocking. 176 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,709 Marge, my darling, 177 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,295 I want you to meet with me again. 178 00:07:42,378 --> 00:07:43,880 That doesn't shock me. 179 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:47,258 Away from prying eyes at my apartment, 180 00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:49,093 the Fiesta Terrace. 181 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,845 (gasping) 182 00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:53,764 Marge, speak to me. 183 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,225 Is Thursday okay? 184 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,894 (tires screeching) 185 00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,729 (groaning) 186 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,490 Thank goodness 187 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,909 I drove down that ironic street. 188 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:16,287 I made the right decision to stay with my Homie 189 00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:18,414 and there was no harm done. 190 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,916 (moans) 191 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,460 So if you kind of mentally snip out the part 192 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,128 where I already had a husband, 193 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,922 that's my idea of romance. 194 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,466 Marge, I want you to stop seeing this Jacques. 195 00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:30,885 You can let him down gently. 196 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,053 But over the next couple of months, 197 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:33,888 I want you to break it off. 198 00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:36,390 Uh, okay, Homer. 199 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,226 That was a close one, kids. 200 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:42,647 Okay, Marge, 201 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:44,982 as long as we're traumatizing the kids, 202 00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:48,319 I have a scandalous story of my own. 203 00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,154 SMITHERS: Gentlemen, 204 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,990 I'd like you to meet your new co-worker, Mindy Simmons. 205 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,326 I think she has a degree in engineering or something. 206 00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:56,994 Hi. How's it going? 207 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,080 -Pleased to meet you. -Yeah. Ditto. 208 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,164 Hi. Huh? 209 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,291 (gasps) 210 00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:06,462 Homer, what's the matter? 211 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,130 Ain't you never seen a naked chick 212 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,298 riding a clam before? 213 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:11,926 Got to go! 214 00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:15,346 (bell dings) 215 00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,056 (sighs) 216 00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:19,892 I made it the whole day without seeing her again. 217 00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,980 (screams) I mean, hello! 218 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:27,316 I guess we'll be going down together-- 219 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,484 I mean, getting off togeth-- I mean-- 220 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,111 That's okay. 221 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,654 I'll just push the button for the stimulator-- 222 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,823 I mean elevator. 223 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,492 (thinking) Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts... 224 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,787 ♪♪ (humming "I Dream of Jeannie" theme) 225 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:42,415 HOMER: Ew! 226 00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:43,624 (belches) 227 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,628 Well, this is my floor. 228 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,130 (groaning) 229 00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:50,256 (screaming) 230 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,424 See you tomorrow. 231 00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:53,551 I tried to avoid her, 232 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:56,012 but we were sent to a nuclear convention 233 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,805 in Capital City together. 234 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:03,477 TV's there, bathroom's there, 235 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,896 and there's your king-sized bed for-- 236 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,398 (wolf whistle, imitating cat) 237 00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:08,608 (clicks tongue, imitates springs squeaking) 238 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,026 (purring, panting) 239 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,611 (barking, howling) 240 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:12,862 (blubbering) 241 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,071 Hubba, hubba. 242 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,698 Stop that. I love my wife and family. 243 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,908 All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, 244 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:18,909 and maybe building a little fort. 245 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,661 That's it. 246 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:21,954 Homer. 247 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,831 (whispering) I got a really wicked idea 248 00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,916 that could get us into a lot of trouble. 249 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,836 Mindy. We have to fight our temptation. 250 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,963 No, Homer. 251 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,590 Let's do it. 252 00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:35,635 -Let's call room service! -Oh. 253 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:37,428 (beeping) 254 00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,597 Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. 255 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,516 Well, we'll just see about that. 256 00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:45,436 Fly, my pretties. 257 00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:46,771 Fly! 258 00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,314 (chittering) 259 00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:50,775 (screaming) 260 00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:51,859 (thudding) 261 00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:52,902 Ooh. 262 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,779 Continue the research. 263 00:10:57,448 --> 00:11:00,159 Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! 264 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:01,369 Get bent. 265 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:02,620 No more Chernobyls! 266 00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:04,997 -Go to hell! -MAN: Ah! 267 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:08,042 I was doing my best to resist her, 268 00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:11,796 but at dinner, the fortune cookie predicted doom. 269 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,676 (Homer reading) 270 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,470 This was a really nice night, Homer. 271 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,180 Yeah, yeah. 272 00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:22,848 (sobbing) 273 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,475 What's wrong? 274 00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,269 Oh, yeah. Like you don't know. 275 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,063 We're gonna have sex. 276 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,564 Oh. 277 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,651 Well... we don't have to. 278 00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:34,735 Yes, we do. 279 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,987 The cookie told me so. 280 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:40,241 Well, desserts aren't always right. 281 00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:41,951 But they're so sweet. 282 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,203 Homer... 283 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,164 you know how I feel, 284 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,625 so... it-- it's up to you. 285 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:50,918 Look in your heart. 286 00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:53,671 I think you'll see what you want. 287 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,355 Oh, baby. 288 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:16,402 This was a wonderful idea, Homie. 289 00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:17,570 What happened to Mindy? 290 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,488 Yes, what did happen to her? 291 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,907 She hit the bottle pretty hard and lost her job. 292 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,701 Hmm. Good. 293 00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,870 Does anyone else have a love story? 294 00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:28,080 Yes, I do. And just like your love stories, 295 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,125 it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings and scars 296 00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:33,085 that will never heal. 297 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,504 It started, appropriately enough, 298 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,340 with an innocent boy being embarrassed on Valentine's Day. 299 00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,387 (sniffling) 300 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,181 Poor Ralph. 301 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,767 Here you go, Ralph. 302 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:48,726 (gasping) 303 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,772 You choo-choo-choose me? 304 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:54,231 Happy Valentine's. 305 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,611 (sighs) 306 00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,446 It was an unusually warm 307 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,698 February 14, so the children walked home 308 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:03,949 without jackets. 309 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:07,745 Can I walk you home... valentine? 310 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,538 Sure, I guess. 311 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,666 That valentine sure was funny. 312 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,668 Glad you liked it. 313 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,005 It says, "choo-choo-choose me" 314 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,175 and there's a picture of a train. 315 00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:22,927 Yeah, nice gag. 316 00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:26,931 Uh... so... 317 00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:31,143 do you like... stuff? 318 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:36,982 The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds 319 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:39,693 if I kept my finger out of there. 320 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,737 Well, here's my house. 321 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,783 (knock at door) 322 00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:46,909 Hmm? 323 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:52,039 Oh, no. It's a package from Ralph. 324 00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:57,002 Oh, a Malibu Stacy convertible. 325 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:59,129 "Look in the tunk." 326 00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,840 He must mean trunk. 327 00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,679 (gasps) Tickets to the Krusty anniversary show! 328 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:10,891 ANNOUNCER: It's the Krusty The Clown 29th Anniversary Show! 329 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,102 Hey! 330 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,603 (applause and cheering) 331 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,896 Thank you! Thank you! 332 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,774 Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? 333 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,942 No, thanks. 334 00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,402 Send it this way, boy. 335 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,821 -Whoops. -Aww... 336 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,365 Oh... nothing gets chocolate out. 337 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:27,700 See? 338 00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:30,411 Now for my favorite part of the show. 339 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:32,288 What's that say? 340 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,497 "Talk to the audience"? 341 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,083 Oh, God, this is always death. 342 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:37,543 All right. 343 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,837 Oh, no. Please don't show me with Ralph. 344 00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,090 -What's your name, son? -Ralph. 345 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,258 (whimpers) 346 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,260 And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? 347 00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:49,179 Yes. I love Lisa Simpson, 348 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,307 and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her. 349 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,641 No! 350 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,060 Now you listen to me! 351 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,688 I don't like you! I never liked you! 352 00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,565 And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine 353 00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:00,858 was 'cause nobody else would! 354 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,902 Watch this, Lis. 355 00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:04,403 You can actually pinpoint the second 356 00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,238 when his heart rips in half. 357 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,910 And... now. 358 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,202 (groans) 359 00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,708 Lisa, not all romances turn out that way. 360 00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,460 Bart, do you have a love story 361 00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:21,420 that doesn't end in heartbreak? 362 00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:23,255 Yes, I do. 363 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,049 The only girl I ever loved 364 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,301 invited me up to the tree house. 365 00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:30,346 She had something very important to tell me. 366 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,098 I'm so happy. 367 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,934 I just had to tell someone. 368 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,644 I have a boyfriend. 369 00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,441 You won't be needing this. 370 00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:43,776 (beating) 371 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,575 (groaning) 372 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:54,161 Wait. That did end in heartbreak. 373 00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:57,081 Thanks for opening up old wounds, Mom. 374 00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,999 (sighing) 375 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,885 Well, as Jerry Lee Lewis would say, 376 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,680 "There's a whole lot of frowning going on." 377 00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,265 (chuckles) 378 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:16,934 (low growl) 379 00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,687 Mom, doesn't any love story have a happy ending? 380 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,480 Of course. 381 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,482 Remember when... 382 00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,777 your aunt Selma got married? 383 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,530 Oh, oh, good. 384 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,115 Soon I will kill you. 385 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,117 Wait, wait. That's no good. 386 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,868 I know. Your grandfather. 387 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,412 Remember? 388 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,914 It all started on an outing for dinner. 389 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,168 Say, I've got a neat idea. 390 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,337 Why don't you go in and pick up my mother 391 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:46,755 and we'll all go out to dinner? 392 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,549 I'll be back in a jiffy. 393 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,763 That's not my mother. 394 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,181 I'll be back in a jiffy. 395 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,227 Can I come too? 396 00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:02,896 Oh. 397 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,857 They hit it off right away, 398 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:06,233 but there were rivals 399 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,652 for the fair lady's hand. 400 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:09,903 MRS. BOUVIER: Oh... 401 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,322 my favorite song. 402 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,408 This is so nice. 403 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:17,911 I can't remember when I felt this young. 404 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:19,413 Oh. 405 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:20,748 I really can't. 406 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,337 MR. BURNS: Say, sport, mind if I have the next dance? 407 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,922 (sputtering) What the-- 408 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:31,341 Don't sneak up on a-- Oh, you-- 409 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,594 No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. 410 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,846 I'll have her back in one piece. 411 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,807 ♪♪ ("Sing Sing Sing") 412 00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:49,985 MARGE: But, in the end, 413 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,945 just when things looked worst, 414 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:55,574 true love triumphed. 415 00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:59,161 Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, take this man 416 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,413 to be your lawfully wedded husband? 417 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,499 ♪♪ (organ playing big band music) 418 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,584 Oh, Monty, my favorite song. 419 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,962 I specifically requested no romantic music. 420 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,716 Mrs. Bouvier! 421 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,926 Mrs. Bouvier! 422 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:14,885 (screams) 423 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,014 Mrs. Bouvier! 424 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:22,684 Honey, are you sure you want to be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? 425 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,814 Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson? 426 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,357 No. 427 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,733 (groans) 428 00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,735 I don't want to be either. 429 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,529 Hot diggety damn! 430 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,490 That's good enough for me. 431 00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:39,451 ♪♪ (organ) 432 00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,791 (sighs) 433 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,631 LISA: That doesn't seem like a happy ending. 434 00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:55,801 That seems more like a detached tale of modern alienation. 435 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:57,636 I give up. 436 00:18:57,719 --> 00:19:00,305 Did anybody learn anything about love tonight? 437 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,516 I learned it screws everybody up. 438 00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:04,518 There's that side of it, 439 00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,228 but there's also-- 440 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,480 Help me out here, Lisa. 441 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,733 Sorry, Mom. I've decided to save my love for someone 442 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,194 who's guaranteed not to reject me. 443 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,864 (whispering) Soon, Corey, soon. 444 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,199 (deep sigh) 445 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:23,245 Well, kids, I tried. But maybe you're right. 446 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:26,373 Wait a minute, Marge. Love isn't hopeless. 447 00:19:26,456 --> 00:19:29,209 Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, 448 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:32,504 but there was one time I got it right. 449 00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:33,589 MARGE: Gee, Artie... 450 00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,132 Artie, wait. I don't know. 451 00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:37,009 I mean, it was a beautiful evening. 452 00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,219 -Let's not ruin it. -ARTIE: Just this-- 453 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:40,554 MARGE: Artie, please. 454 00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:41,889 ARTIE: Come on, kiss me. 455 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,182 -MARGE: Oh, Artie... -ARTIE: Please? 456 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:46,143 No, really, I mean it! Now stop it! 457 00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:48,353 I'm sorry, Marge. 458 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:49,771 Take me home, Artie. 459 00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:02,367 Marge, I would appreciate it 460 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,704 if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands. 461 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:08,749 Not so much for myself, but I am so respected 462 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:12,085 it would damage the town to hear it. 463 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,128 Good night. 464 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,838 Yeah, right. 465 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,844 -(horn honking) -Shut up! 466 00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,430 -(honking) -I'm over as far as I can go. 467 00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:26,266 -(honking) -All right! All right! 468 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,227 I'll walk in the mud! 469 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,730 -Homer? -Marge? 470 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:34,399 -Yeah. You want a ride? -Sure. 471 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:38,445 You know, Homer, when I got home, 472 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,948 I realized who I should have gone to the prom with. 473 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,116 Who? Oh. 474 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,451 Hi, prom date. 475 00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:47,746 Marge, pour vous. 476 00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,748 Mm... 477 00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,541 Why so glum? 478 00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,710 (sighs) I got a problem. 479 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,713 Once you stop this car, 480 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,216 I'm gonna hug you and kiss you, 481 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,885 and then I'll never be able to let you go. 482 00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:04,638 Ah, your first kiss. 483 00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:06,515 But not the last. 484 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,365 Mmm... Homie. 485 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,409 -Mmm... -Mmm... 486 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,204 See, kids? 487 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,665 That's what I meant by romance. 488 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:34,501 (Lisa and Bart laughing) 489 00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:36,712 ♪♪ ("Itchy and Scratchy" theme plays in background) 490 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,561 ♪♪ 491 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,980 Shh! 492 00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:43,070 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.